Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
