I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
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