Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Thrres cinnamon everywgte. Plead cine get me
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
