how did your night go?
he asked for my myspace name.
she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
Randomize
