I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
Randomize
