MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
Randomize
