Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
me neither. i remember bell pepper tequila but not why or yelling
Hahaha, I forgot about doing shots out of the bell pepper
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
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