no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
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