i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
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