My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Randomize
