It really wasn't that bad. Well, it was pretty bad, but only in 3 second bursts.
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
