went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
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