He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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