I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
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