Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
So not the biggest tits he had his cock between. He could have lied.
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
Randomize
