so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Randomize
