i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
