It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
