Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
I think I sprained my soul last night
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
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