first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Randomize
