Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
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