I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
