I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
Randomize
