You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
Randomize
