I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
I just want some dick and chicken fingers please advise
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
