Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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