then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
