Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
My feet surprised me
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
