I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
Randomize
