really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
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