we were playing true or dare on a webcam chat and i was way to drunk ...i ended up having to drink my own piss outta a beer bottle, life couldnt get any worse right now
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
