when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
I love having hate sex.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
Randomize
