Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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