I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
can i bring anything?
Any of the following: Sex doll, side dish, fruits/vegetables that look like dildos, beer
is there a theme i should know about?
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Randomize
