I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
Randomize
