I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
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