It's Friday. Sex?
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
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