I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
Randomize
