before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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