The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize