lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
Im part way to drunk.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
Randomize
