i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
