I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Randomize
