i hate sounding clingy, but i just wanted to verify i wasn't an asshole in your mind
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Randomize
