you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
This is davidson friend mat i an drunk. Thank you for having a physical relationship. With David. I bet he gas a penis the size of an elephant tusk. You are a lucky lady.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
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