I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
We stole a Christmas tree from the student center and then decorated it with everything we stole from parties... All I have to say is Feliz Navidad!
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Randomize
