Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
Randomize
