I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
fuck your aforementioned shoe
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Randomize
