The maid of honor just puked.
I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
So on facebook, the pictures from my church mission trip are right up next to the pictures of my first time on E. Sorry Jesus.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
Houston, we have a squirter
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
Randomize
