i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
Randomize
