My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
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