I'm going to rape someone's good day.
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
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