Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
Seeing Harry Potter 3D stoned: Pro- giant redheads w/cute accents. Con-weeping for stoners who only had Pink Floyd laser shows.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
Randomize
