I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
Randomize
